Yesterday I was all day on the verge of tears for some reasons… I felt stressed and anxious. My eczema on my hands was dreadful (Partially due to the anxiety I was feeling) and I couldn’t bring myself to work even if I tried. Later in the day - after a good old ” cry in the shower for an hour ” I finally felt better. I have impression that - when I am art blocked of I cannot draw for some reasons that bring me a lot of stress because I work on commissions and I have to work to bring the drawing since a client paid for it. It make me feel so bad to skip or take a day off because of a certain anxiety or my non-ability to draw that day.
But later that night, I talked to my boyfriend for a good two hours. It was mainly just crying - he’s stressed that since he’s in cooking studies - his job in summer and later - gonna tear up appart even more and I’m going to get more and more anxious since sometimes, he will not be there for a few days or in some evening (Where most of the time I have some crying issues / stress issues) I know he wants good of me, I know he want that I feel good and I stop having anxiety about finding a job - commissions - my eczema that just won’t go the fuck away but god… I don’t want to break up? Is that normal? I wanna live through this hard steps with him, just be able to be stronger and just be the fuck with him… because I love him and I wanna be there and see him grow in his cooking and his work! He doesn’t want to break up (Obviously, asked him and all - and frankly it was the first time I saw him and hear him sobbing like that - it was so painful) He told me he had think about it for a few months now - since I was very much in stress since January (Lost my job - my grandfather died and my eczema intensified) and he told me to think about it - I was so stressed and sobbing when he told me this that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that the though of being single passed through my mind also a few times these last months, but that looked way to extreme to cure my anxiety. Plus I didn’t feel it would cure it entirely - instead more bringing an other pain to the list.
And I do not want that of course - he does not either. We just moved to our appartement - we’re with two other persons but we are so happy we actually moved out together - it was a huge step for both of us (Leaving his mother for the first time - I left my twin sister) and we’re very happy of the place it’s just… I have the impression, the more he thinks about the future - he worries and he doesn’t want me to be in that… he’s afraid that his cooking work’s not gonna be enough good for the both for ever forming a family.
Now that I think of it… his own father left his mother because of his cooking job? He became depressed and financially in trouble and began drinking??? Oh my god I didn’t even though of that last night - it sort of just popped? Oh my gosh - anyway I - jesus christ do I have to talk to him again tonight - may have to stop commissions in April to get a job that will make me see more people - hopefully making go some anxiety away - and hopefully I will be less at home and more in a thigh schedule that would make me feel more like him and actually have some free time at the same moment.
It’s all speculations at the moment, but if I see my couple needs it - I’m gonna be away from the computer as much as I need (Of course I would tell it in advance in a journal) and be there for him - anyway when he will be home that is. I wanna be stronger and be able to support him the way he supported me all the way since January (It’s been really rough for me)
Anyhow - sorry about the rant it really fells good to let that some here. Plus - I really want to keep you up about me since that will affect my work.
I hope you are alright...
EDIT : There's also a bullying / harass matter I'm talking on my Tumblr :howquicktheyforget.tumblr.com/…
I though it was only fair to post it here since it's talking about event in DA notes.
PENDING LIST / COMMISSION QUEUE
⇉ ( Cooking couple YCH - Talking)
⇉ Weegee 06 (@ FURAFFINITY)( Flower Field YCH - Talking)
Reservations for later weeks, can be made by note or comments.
DAPOINTS COMMISSIONS QUEUE (CLOSED, was temporary)
⇉ ( DAPoints commission - Talking)
⇉ ( DAPoints commission - PAID)
⇉ ( DAPoints commission - PAID)
⇉ (DAPoints commission - PAID)
( DAPoints commission - Talking)
(RESERVATIONS AND OTHERS)
⇉ Krokpot (@ FURAFFINITY) (FNAF YCH2 - Awaiting payment)
⇉ piranhastache (@ FURAFFINITY) (Custom, Dinofleur - reserved)